WARNINGS FOR TRADITIONAL CORKED WINES

CALL FOR A WARNING LABEL ON WINES WITH A TRADITIONAL CORK! (no fooling!)

Surely it’s time that wines sealed with a cork should have to display a warning notice. Something along these lines.

  1. WARNING! This wine may be contaminated by the cork and smell like a damp basement (3–5% of the wines I buy have this fault).
  2. WARNING! The cork may crumble as you attempt to extract it, so be prepared for cork crumbs in your glasses. A sure way to impress your guests.
  3. WARNING! You will not be able to re-cork the bottle as the cork will expand once exposed to air. Sorry about that.
  4. WARNING! In order to access this wine you will need to purchase an instrument, and get training in how to use it. A good extraction instrument (corkscrew) is expensive, while cheap models will cause all kinds of grief and pain. Either way you are screwed!
  5. WARNING! Your friends could die of thirst as they watch you perform the ‘opening’ task.
  6. WARNING! Using a corkscrew can be painful should you suffer from arthritis, or any weakness in the wrist or elbows. We recommend you ask a family member or neighbour to help.
  7. We hope that you enjoy our wine despite all the obstacles we have put in the way.

P.S. Did you know that the majority of winemakers believe that screw caps are a better closure than cork? Better for the wine, and easier for you. Unfortunately too many folks still think that a screw cap means cheap wine.

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